http://feeds.feedburner.com/brainyquote/QUOTEFUhttp://swiv.eu/funny-quote-of-the-day_1897.xml Add to your feed
"I have three kinds of friends: those who love me, those who pay no attention to me, and those who detest me."
"There are a handful of people whom money won't spoil, and we all count ourselves among them."
"It is best to act with confidence, no matter how little right you have to it."
"Knowledge is power only if man knows what facts not to bother with."
"One-fifth of the people are against everything all the time."
"The best mannered people make the most absurd lovers."
"Existentialism means that no one else can take a bath for you."
"None are so fond of secrets as those who do not mean to keep them."
"The idea is to die young as late as possible."
"Our culture runs on coffee and gasoline, the first often tasting like the second."
"I love a finished speaker, I really, truly do I don't mean one who's polished, I just mean one who's through."
"I fear my enthusiasm flags when real work is demanded of me."
"Marriage: A friendship recognized by the police."
"The cat is a dilettante in fur."
"If God had to give a woman wrinkles, He might at least have put them on the soles of her feet."
"The best way to keep one's word is not to give it."
"All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl."
"It is to be observed that 'angling' is the name given to fishing by people who can't fish."
"What I like to drink most is wine that belongs to others."
"I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me."
"I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone."
"Money just draws flies."
"It is the old battle, between those who use a toothbrush and those who don't."
"Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves."
"Groan and forget it."
"All men are equal before fish."
"Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups."
"A good listener is usually thinking about something else."
"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house."
"Silence is only frightening to people who are compulsively verbalizing."
"An English man does not travel to see English men."
"What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?"
"When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice."
"Good manners: The noise you don't make when you're eating soup."
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell."
"Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers."
"Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing."
"People who say, 'Let the chips fall where they may,' usually figure they will not be hit by a chip."
"Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect."
"It's easier to put on slippers than to carpet the whole world."
"In the land of the skunks he who has half a nose is king."
"I'm a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day."
"I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there."
"I do not know how to kiss, or I would kiss you. Where do the noses go?"
"He is so old that his blood type was discontinued."
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."
"Spaghetti can be eaten most successfully if you inhale it like a vacuum cleaner."
"One picture is worth 1,000 denials."
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
"If government were a product, selling it would be illegal."
"That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring."
"Ask five economists and you'll get five different answers - six if one went to Harvard."
"The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down."
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
"I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair."
"Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something."
"One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts."
"I'm like old wine. They don't bring me out very often, but I'm well preserved."
"Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle."
"Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy."
"Fools are without number."
"Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."
"I've seen the future and it's much like the present only longer."
"Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?"
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
"I never knew whether to pity or congratulate a man on coming to his senses."
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
"I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance."
"Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands."
"I don't like to watch golf on television because I can't stand people who whisper."
"My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?"
"I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host."
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
"It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether."
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."
"I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry."
"As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
"If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?"
"If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice."
"I think serial monogamy says it all."
"I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut."
"I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier."
"Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I."
"The husband who decides to surprise his wife is often very much surprised himself."
"I like marriage. The idea."
"I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me."
"Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy."
"Fashions have done more harm than revolutions."
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
"Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children."
"By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day."
"I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong."
"It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody."
"Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering."
"I'd like to live as a poor man with lots of money."
"The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese."
"Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public."
"Old age is fifteen years older than I am."
"Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you."
"Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn."
"I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead."
"If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner."
"Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position."
"A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking."
"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full."
"I wish I had the nerve not to tip."
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby."
"And now, excuse me while I interrupt myself."
"French is the language that turns dirt into romance."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone."
"The only athletic sport I ever mastered was backgammon."
"If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style."
"Indecision may or may not be my problem."
"Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf."
"I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty."
"Even a stopped clock is right twice a day."
If you want to help us build a new RSS feed from existing resources, not the form of an RSS feed published on the Web, you can send us a message. Lay out all the necessary information and your email address, we will keep you informed (e) of the process. Applications clearly out-about will be ignored.
Click on the address to select it. Click copy and then paste it into your preferred reader.