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19.04.2012 16:45
Be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet 'em on your way down.
19.04.2012 07:42
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.
19.04.2012 01:46
Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
18.04.2012 13:21
Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.
18.04.2012 10:26
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
18.04.2012 07:44
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
18.04.2012 04:36
The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.
18.04.2012 01:55
The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything.
17.04.2012 16:36
And in the end it's not the years in your life that count. It is the life in your years.
17.04.2012 10:54
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
17.04.2012 07:56
Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.
17.04.2012 04:50
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
16.04.2012 22:58
Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.
16.04.2012 20:03
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has no heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
16.04.2012 20:00
Even a mistake may turn out to be the one thing necessary to a worthwhile achievement.
16.04.2012 16:52
Of all the animals, man is the only one that lies.
16.04.2012 13:49
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
16.04.2012 13:44
There is only one religion, though there are a hundred versions of it.
09.04.2012 04:00
Power does not corrupt. Fear corrupts... perhaps the fear of a loss of power.
08.04.2012 18:56
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
07.04.2012 21:58
Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about.
07.04.2012 18:56
None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free.
07.04.2012 16:04
Having smoking and non-smoking sections in the same room is like having urinating and non-urinating sections in a swimming pool.
07.04.2012 04:34
To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.
06.04.2012 22:16
About all you can do in life is be who you are. Some people will love you for you. Most will love you for what you can do for them, and some won't like you at all.
06.04.2012 19:17
The only way you can beat the lawyers is to die with nothing.
06.04.2012 19:04
He who cannot be a good follower cannot be a good leader.
06.04.2012 16:14
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
06.04.2012 10:03
One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man.
29.03.2012 10:26
I don't want any yes men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth - even if it costs him his job.
28.03.2012 23:35
Life is what happens when you are making other plans.
28.03.2012 20:35
Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see.
27.03.2012 14:59
Jealous: Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.
27.03.2012 14:51
The great question - which I have not been able to answer - is: "What does a woman want?"
26.03.2012 08:20
Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
25.03.2012 20:39
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
24.03.2012 20:03
My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.
24.03.2012 01:47
It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.
22.03.2012 16:44
Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
21.03.2012 13:46
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
21.03.2012 13:44
In youth we learn; in age we understand.
21.03.2012 10:53
During our crossing, Einstein explained his theory to me every day, and by the time we arrived I was fully convinced he understood it.
21.03.2012 01:48
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason and intellect has intended us to forget their use.
20.03.2012 22:45
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
14.03.2012 10:22
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy.
14.03.2012 05:34
It is too difficult to think nobly when one thinks only of earning a living.
13.03.2012 20:44
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
13.03.2012 17:41
The difference between fiction and reality is that fiction has to make sense.
13.03.2012 05:24
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
12.03.2012 06:47
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
10.03.2012 21:27
Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.
09.03.2012 15:18
Forget mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you're going to do now and do it.
09.03.2012 06:33
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
09.03.2012 06:30
Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train - Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you're just sitting still?
26.02.2012 17:43
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
26.02.2012 14:40
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
26.02.2012 05:51
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
25.02.2012 06:14
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
22.02.2012 18:34
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
22.02.2012 15:36
Life is hard. After all it kills you.
21.02.2012 18:30
Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.
21.02.2012 15:41
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
21.02.2012 00:44
I am desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
20.02.2012 16:05
What a blessing it would be if we could open and shut our ears as easily as we open and shut our eyes!
18.02.2012 21:56
If my critics saw me walking over the Thames they would say it was because I couldn't swim.
18.02.2012 00:33
Mankind must put an end to war, or war will put an end to mankind.
17.02.2012 21:22
A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.
15.02.2012 08:57
Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.
15.02.2012 06:01
War doesn't determine who's right - only who's left.
13.02.2012 08:58
We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like.
08.02.2012 17:18
Two possibilities exist: Either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.
07.02.2012 14:48
Woman might be able to fake orgasms. But man can fake whole relationships.
05.02.2012 20:51
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
05.02.2012 14:48
Personally, I would be delighted if there were a life after death, especially if it permitted me to continue to learn about this world and others, if it gave me a chance to discover how history turns out.
29.01.2012 00:08
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
28.01.2012 20:46
... when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
27.01.2012 02:46
I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
26.01.2012 11:24
An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
22.01.2012 00:13
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less.
21.01.2012 00:01
Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
14.01.2012 10:10
A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth.
14.01.2012 00:48
A man who won't die for something is not fit to live.
11.01.2012 21:27
When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.
10.01.2012 18:13
We live in a moment of history where change is so speeded up that we begin to see the present only when it is already disappearing.
10.01.2012 07:57
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
09.01.2012 09:37
When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life in such a manner that when you die the world cries and you rejoice.
27.12.2011 04:24
Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
23.12.2011 10:31
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
18.12.2011 16:52
You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
12.12.2011 01:25
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
04.12.2011 22:47
Courage is being scared to death - but saddling up anyway.
26.11.2011 11:54
No great genius has ever existed without some touch of madness.
23.11.2011 06:21
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
12.11.2011 20:29
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
12.11.2011 05:45
There are three ways to get something done; do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
06.11.2011 14:14
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then it was too late.
05.11.2011 08:23
I can't give you a sure-fire formula for success, but I can give you a formula for failure: try to please everybody all the time.
02.11.2011 14:42
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
30.09.2011 00:26
I love Thanksgiving turkey ... it's the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.
29.09.2011 17:11
Genius is one per cent inspiration, ninety-nine per cent perspiration.
22.09.2011 00:36
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
20.09.2011 11:00
An invasion of armies can be resisted, but not an idea whose time has come.
19.09.2011 07:35
Basic research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
19.09.2011 01:36
When it's a question of money, everybody is of the same religion.
06.09.2011 05:50
Anyone who eats three meals a day should understand why cookbooks outsell sex books three to one.
04.09.2011 23:19
If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you.
03.09.2011 12:02
Pretty women make us buy beer. Ugly women make us drink beer.
02.09.2011 19:36
In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.
27.08.2011 22:58
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
22.08.2011 23:21
If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.
16.08.2011 18:29
You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
06.08.2011 04:06
It is much easier to be critical than correct.
15.07.2011 04:32
A woman knows she's wearing the right dress, when her man wants to take it off.
10.07.2011 02:08
One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.
22.06.2011 12:58
Don't be afraid of death so much as an inadequate life.
28.05.2011 12:03
At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual.
28.05.2011 08:50
Living is like tearing through a museum. Not until later do you really start absorbing what you saw, thinking about it, looking it up in a book, and remembering - because you can't take it in all at once.
18.05.2011 18:57
Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new.
08.05.2011 06:46
I don't want to know what the law is, I want to know who the judge is.
08.04.2011 17:34
Write something, even if it's just a suicide note.
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